©1996, by Alison Greene
Your small club dues will entitle you to the Arianna Huffington Lexicon of Imaginative English! In this soon-to-be best seller, Arianna brings old favourites, phrases and bon mots that used to be considered cliches "way back when!" Now, everything old is new again - you'll really "wow" 'em at the country club with your "Arianna Eloquence."
You will also receive a free Hillary Rodham Clinton Fan Club T-shirt in ecru cotton. Each t-shirt has been augmented by Arianna herself. Choose from a variety of styles, as Arianna has added moustaches, fangs, blood dripping and bleeding hearts on the silk-screened face of HRC. Mortify your liberal friends! Arianna spends hundreds of hours each year painting these t-shirts with real acrylic paint - each one a masterpiece you'll treasure for a life time.
For an added 2% (you can afford it - think of the money you'll save if you don't have to pay for welfare leeches anymore!), you'll receive Arianna's videotape "How to be the Perfect Political Wife." She shows HRC a thing or two! For those of you who are on the cutting edge of technology, we'll send you a Virtual Cat Fight, between none other than our Arianna and the Arrogant Hillary! Guess who wins!
In case you're not convinced, see below -- thousands of fans are clamoring to join our club. When Arianna published her astute column "Hillary Clinton: The arrogance of an idealogue" the letters poured in. From one column alone -- now this is one powerful gal!
Arianna Huffington Progress & Freedom Foundation Center for Effective Compassion Dear Ms Huffington, Thank you for mentioning us in your column "Hillary Clinton: The arrogance of an idealogue." We were grateful for our new name, the "Shafted Seven." We feel that you really caught our essence. Me and the other Shafted Six were wondering if you would perhaps like to hire us. Rumour has it that you have a lot of dough and you like to travel. So maybe you could afford to have the Shafted Seven, or even like, a group of Shafted Four or Shafted Three work for you. We'd be happy to let you put our faces on t-shirts and campaign against Hillary. We'll be waiting for your response. Sincerely, Shafted Barney P.S. Even a check would help out.
Arianna Huffington Progress & Freedom Foundation Center for Effective Compassion Dear Mrs. Huffington, If that Hillary bothers you anymore, call me! I'll take care of her. Your champion, John du Pont
Arianna Huffington Progress & Freedom Foundation Center for Effective Compassion Dear Ms Huffington, Your compassion for the Shafted Seven is compelling. How poignant your question "How many real, live human beings with names and personal histories, have been lumped together as faceless drones" by shameless idealogues and big government. I'm sure you'll agree with me that real, live human beings without names or personal histories, deserve something better than that. Here is my proposal: if you will pay for them to move to San Francisco, I will be happy to find each and everyone of those real live ones a job on our splendid Muni system. The Shafted Seven on the 14 Mission! It's got a ring to it. I await your reply, Mayor Willie Brown City of San Francisco
Arianna Huffington Progress & Freedom Foundation Center for Effective Compassion My dear girl, It's not often I write, but then, it's not often that a column stirs me like yours did. I finally felt understood, in a cosmic sense, when I read your thrilling indictment of Mrs. Clinton. Shall I quote you? "To understand Clinton's arrogance and inability to admit even the slightest mistake, we need to see her as she sees herself -- as a disinterested force for good seeking to correct, through government, what all sensible citizens should recognize as evil." This is what I've been trying to tell all mankind for years - those damned people always trying to "correct" evil, insisting on some ridiculous ultimate objective of "goodness." Well, to hell with them I say, and I mean it. And I am right there with you Mrs. H, especially when you exposed Hillary Clinton's "'burning desire' to transform society through politics." More than her desire is going to burn, let me assure you! I'll be keeping the light on for you, Mrs. H. Yours, Satan Prince of Darkness Center for Effective Compassion
Arianna Huffington Progress & Freedom Foundation Center for Effective Compassion Dear Ms Huffington, Shafted Barney here, again, Ms Huffington. Have you given any more thought about helping us out? We're not government workers anymore, so you wouldn't have to worry about contributing to big government programs. Thanks, S.B.
Arianna Huffington Progress & Freedom Foundation Center for Effective Compassion Mrs. Huffington, I write after reading your column with haste and concern. In particular, I note that you are condemning Mrs. Clinton for having a political idealogy (Clinton's "unimpeachable intentions to provide health care for all, child care for all and jobs for members of the inner circle"), and indeed you claim that "it is political ideology, whether Marxism or Nazism, that has provided the justification for the chilling indifference to individual human rights in the interest of humanity at large." While I cannot speak for Marxism (there are those of us here who could better address the subject than I) I take offense at your comparison of Clinton's health care plan to the Final Solution. First of all, Clinton's health care plan is nowhere near as sweeping as my own 'health care plan" (if you will), nor is hers as sophisticated and, shall we say, international? Finally, I may remind you that I had no trouble getting the Final Solution approved within my government. These are crucial differences between Clinton and I that should not be overlooked in you desire to compare. I do not know the details of Clinton's health plan, however, if you say it is similar to Nazism than I bow to your superior intelligence. Respectfully, A. Hitler Far Reaches
Arianna Huffington Progress & Freedom Foundation Center for Effective Compassion Re: Hillary Clinton: The arrogance of the idealogue San Francisco Examiner, Tuesday January 23, 1996 Classification: Confidential Dear Ms Huffington, It has come to our attention that the abovementioned column published on the abovementioned date contained the following language: "In the end, America is not the kind of country where human beings can be arbitrarily fired, smeared and forgotten with impunity." It is our concern that the use of the words "with impunity" may suggest to certain of our stockholders and the general public that there is a connotation of wrongdoing, or a taint, on the actions of certain parties, such as ourselves (belowmentioned) when these actions are carried out in the best interest of the shareholders. While we appreciate your desire to express a grass-roots dissatisfaction with "big government" and, indeed, we share and support the ideals you have upheld in the abovementioned article, we cannot condone the use of the words "with impunity." We ask that you either retract these words, so as not to unnecessarily alarm a public that must understand the necessity and benefits of downsizing in a changing world, or, alternatively, we suggest that you replace the phrase "with impunity" with the following phrase "unless it is for the good of the shareholder and community within which a particular business or corporation resides." Thank you for your consideration. Sincerely, Chairman of AT&T Chairman of Wells Fargo Chairman of Bank of America Chairman of IBM
Arianna Huffington Progress & Freedom Foundation Center for Effective Compassion Hey Arianna - Shafted Barney here again! It won't take much to convince me of your effective compassion! Just a small check to see me through the next month! Thanks, you're a working (or not) man's pal! Shafto