©1996, by Alison Greene

Media Pavlov

I. Where Politicians Come From

When I was in sixth grade, our class built an ant farm out of a mail-order kit. Sandwiched between two sheets of clear plastic, ants tunneled through white sands and congregated in small ant rooms. They had conversations in there, they crawled all over each other and when they were hungry enough they ate each other.

II. Willie Brown Goes to Washington (sometime in December)

Willie Brown had one foot in Marion Berry's eye. Pete Wilson had a hold of Willie's other leg. Barney Frank was busy digging a new tunnel, followed in hot pursuit by Al D'Amato. Willie heard two yelps of pain, as Jesse Helms and Newt Gingrich realized they were chewing on each other's legs. It was the usual Saturday Night Mixer.

III. Some Enchanted Evening

Willie came face to face with a furball. He wasn't sure what to make of it when it stuck out a paw and shouted "Punxatawney Phil, happy to make your acquaintance!" Never a one lost for words, Willie grinned and shook the groundhog's paw. "I'm going up for air soon Phil, tell me, how do you do it? How do you get every newspaper in America eating out of your hand?" Punxatawney Phil looked happy as a clam. "Glad you asked, Willie, glad you asked. It's simple, see? It's all in the mystery, smoke, mirrors, well, actually, shadows work well for me. You don't want to give it all away too soon. Come out of your hole, do your business and go right back in. Don't sit around chit-chatting about this and that.

Now see, a fellow like me is smart...I make up my mind long before I do that song and dance. If I didn't, people'd start quarreling with me. They'd ask questions, like what would 6 more weeks of winter do to the economy, or what does this mean for farm subsidiaries. They shouldn't be worrying their pretty little heads about that stuff.

Willie scratched his head. "What should they be worried about"?
Phil smiled. "Nothing at all. They should be looking at me in my fancy fur coat, the ladies should be twittering about how cute I am, the cameras should be flashing, and then it's done. Back into the hole with no more questions, no confusion. And I'm on the front page of every paper in the U.S. of A. Willie nodded and wondered if he could name Punxatawney Phil to his Board of Commissioners. He didn't have any other groundhogs in mind...

IV. Every Day is Groundhog's Day (or, Willie's Bill Murray Interpretation)

It's working. Every time Willie pops out of his hole the SF Chronicle and Examiner shriek with excitement, all over the front page. He names his Commissioners and BANG they're talking about his suits. He talks baseball stadiums and BANG they're interviewing his haberdasher. He doesn't make any political statement at all and BANG they're talking about the tailor he had twenty years ago.

V. Willie does say something, sorta, kinda, about umm, politics

"When asked about this week's federal court ruling (state law now allows panhandlers to be arrested), ... Brown... said police will enforce city laws but will not be encouraged to target people who are simply asking passers-by for handouts."
(SF Chronicle 2/3/96. Page A15, which is not front page, not even in the front section.)
Is this in lieu of dismantling Matrix and coming up with a plan to cope with our ever growing homeless population? "Not encouraging" is not an action verb!!!!

VI. What Did Make The Front Page on February 3

"Brown's Staff Told to Reflect His Stylish Self"
No more casual dressing on Fridays. The financial district is up in arms! Riots, bloodletting, mayhem! Bits of 100% wool everywhere!

VII. Walk Like A Man, Dress Like A Man

Proposed Front Page Articles to Make Policy More Fun for Our Mayor, while simultaneously helping this city: "Brown's Citizens Told to Reflect His Stylish Self" Mayor Brown orders all homeless people to wear suits everyday. "This is a city built on currying big business, and we want to look like we're business." Socialites donate their castoffs to the homeless. Homeless people found wearing jeans will be deported to Modesto.
"Charlotte Mailliard Swig Casts Homeless in new production of Beach Blanket Babylon" Charlotte, our come-back kid and new Chief of Protocol (according to the Chron, she's our "High Priestess of Partydom") puts together an all-homeless cast of Beach Blanket Babylon. The cast will be paid in food, with Charlotte herself donating the petit-fours and champagne.
"New Stadium to Hire Homeless to Solve Parking Problem!" Thousands of homeless people have been recruited to meet sports fans at BART stations, Muni stations, Cal Trans and more, where the homeless will happily carry sports fans piggy-back style to the new stadium. No fee, tip what you can!

VIII. Enough already. I got such a plan...

SF has just approved legislation allowing "symbolic" civil ceremonies for gays who want to celebrate their partnership. Unfortunately for the gays, this is all symbolic and doesn't give gays any more family civil rights. Fortunately for SF, there is a fee for this symbolic wingding, and the city stands to make an additional $41,500 annually.

But why stop here? Why not institute a "symbolic" civil ceremony for citizenship and naturalization? We could charge hopeful illegal aliens and immigrants, say $100 a head, give them the ceremonial je ne sais quoi, and boot them right out of the country. Everybody's a winner! Who knows, they might just come back and do it all over again!

I'm sure you can think of other ceremonies we can preempt - let me know!